Two weeks ago I finally started my journey into the uncharted (to me) lands of Europe. Before these two weeks, I never knew what the inside of an airport looks like, I had never met more than 8 or 10 outsiders and I definitely didn’t know what to expect. It was overwhelming and at the same time frightening.
As an Egyptian one grows up to these oh so familiar words of “you’ll come back. It’s your nature; you’re Egyptian” and in a way, I think I am beginning to understand that. Mind you, I am one introverted motherfucker. I hadn’t talked to someone other than family in person for a month before I left, so I people-wise, I shouldn’t miss much, right? I still don’t know if it’s because I’m having living arrangement problems or if I’m just scared of the whole Germany thing, but humans seek familiarity and ability to integrate. For all I care, fuck the entirety of Egypt, its streets and the government, but when you come to a country where you speak like an illiterate half-wit, you really begin to notice how strange this place really is. You can’t just grab a German and have a deep discussion about politics or ethics or what not. I am pretty sure it will take a long ass time before I can write something so concise and easy to write as this and it’s even the more reason to feel pissed at being in another country. I am definite being in an English-speaking country will almost completely negate that, but still, that’s an entire lifetime, culture, language and interactions you can barely relive. It leaves a hole in you, mind you, a shit hole, but a hole nonetheless. But Egypt is like your abusive partner that you hate. They may feel familiar and they rid you from having to exert effort to find another partner, but they are bad for you on the long-run. I am pretty sure I’ll come to like this later, but for now, it just feels weird. I can say for sure though, living in a country so orderly and beautiful can bring one some inner happiness and peace. What I am trying to say is, you’ll enjoy life a bit more, but it will never feel “wohl” like the Germans say. It’s not that Egypt’s people are especially good company or anything, it’s the mere irreversible fact that I was born here.
I think the second thing I’d like to talk about is quality of life. Not the one on paper, but enjoyment of life I guess. In a sense I’d say I’m somewhat depressed or I find life to be bland. Don’t know if anyone else feels as such, but being outside doesn’t make life any more or less enjoyable, if anything, it makes it a bit worse. I don’t know what I thought, but I guess I thought life would be easier? More secure? maybe Egypt was the cause of my misery? Maybe I’ll find more people that are into the same things that I’m into since I’m not in bumfuck Egypt where half the people don’t even know what Netflix is, but it didn’t matter anyway. If you weren’t happy in Egypt before you left, you won’t be happy when you come.
Does that mean that I’m saying that wasn’t worth it coming here? I don’t think I can answer that. For me, it wasn’t a matter of how I feel, it was a matter of what was best. That doesn’t mean that you will be saddened by coming here or any such shit. On the contrary I never felt this welcome as a person or never understood what it’s like to be treated as a human, not as a stain of shit. In an alternative universe though, I really hope I was born somewhere else. I really do.